Standing At A Crossroads
by Lizzybeth93
Summary: One moment of weakness leaves Jane and Lisbon needing to make some decisions about where there priorities lie. SSS present for Hollygolightly2010


**Title:** Standing at a Crossroads

**Author: **Lizzybeth

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer: **It's still not mine.

**Prompt: **Prada shoes.

**A/N:** So this one is a quite angsty, but I did enjoy writing it even if it took a lot of work! I wrote this as a Summer Secret Santa Present for Hollygolightly2010 over on Jell-Forever. Enjoy! :D

Why? Why the hell had he given in to his stupid fantasies? This was never meant to happen. He was too damaged for her; she deserved someone who could give her all of them not just pieces. She was wrong to want him.

He could see the way she looked at him sometimes, with a longing expression but he did his best to ignore it. No matter how much he wanted to he knew he couldn't let himself fall for her the way he was, for her sake. He was an expert at hiding his feelings and this was no exception. He always beguiled and entranced people so that they would never see what was truly inside. It was as if his life was a masque, some elaborate cover up for the broken, irrevocably damaged emotions that he would never show to most people. Most people. She wasn't most people and there had been moments when he'd looked into her eyes and felt compelled to reveal things to her. But these were fleeting moments, soon the masque would continue and he would vow never to let himself show her how safe and warm she made him feel. He disguised all his love for her with friendship. He couldn't let it show because he would only end up hurting her and she was already broken, he couldn't bear to see her completely destroyed.

When Jane found Red John he was going to kill him no matter what the consequences and it would break her even more if she had to arrest Jane or see him get…killed whilst they were a couple. He wouldn't forsake Red John even for her. He _couldn't _forsake Red John; his conscience would never allow it, not in the foreseeable future anyway. He always felt like it was a crossroads one way took him to her and the other took him to Red John and he was always going to take the path that lead him to Red John even if it meant travelling further away from her.

So he promised he would never let her get hurt, which meant while he was in his current state of desolation he would _not_ act on his feelings.

Then why did he find himself in bed lying next to a sleeping Teresa Lisbon? He watched her chest slowly rise and fall as the moonlight glinted off her beautiful brown hair that was fanned out all over the pillow and danced across her porcelain skin. She looked beautiful. The problem was that Jane didn't want to be in this position laid next to her able to observe her beauty; he wanted to be as far away as possible. He fingered his wedding ring uncomfortably as he watched her and remembered what had happened to get him to this position.

It was those shoes. Those stupid patent leather, bright red, 4 inch, Prada heels. They made her look so gorgeous and made Jane feel incredibly jealous of the guy she was about to go on a date with…

_**Earlier…**_

_Jane was laid on his couch looking up at Elvis and trying to stop his boss from wandering into his thoughts. He wasn't very good at this, she always seemed to find away to worm herself in, even if he was concentrating on a completely unrelated subject. He found it especially hard to keep her from his mind when she did something differently in her daily routine, which today she had._

_As soon as she dismissed her team Teresa Lisbon would usually head back to her office and work late, giving Jane chance to talk to her, it was one of his guilty pleasures. He knew that he shouldn't encourage her feelings (or his for that matter) but he loved the feeling he got when he made her smile or got her to open up to him, which he often did during these twilight conversations. It was like they were two different people. They weren't Lisbon and Jane, work colleagues who refuse to open up to anyone especially each other, they were Patrick and Teresa, friends who could make each other smile and knew how to talk to one another without delving too far beyond the boundaries that each of them unconsciously set._

_Today was different. As soon as Lisbon dismissed the team she grabbed her purse and jacket and headed home herself, looking rather happy and Jane felt rather jealous that he hadn't been the cause of this happiness. She had seemed strangely happy all day but he just thought that she was pleased with how he had solved their last case in record time and he hadn't had to pull any crazy stunts to do it. But then it hadn't been a particularly difficult case so he didn't see why she would be so pleased to solve it. And that still didn't explain why she was leaving on time for a change. Maybe she had a date or something. He stopped mid-thought. She couldn't have a date, could she? He suddenly felt terribly sick, he raised himself from the couch to go and make himself a cup of tea, hoping that it would settle his stomach. As he waited for the kettle to boil he mulled over the idea that Lisbon was going on a date._

_He knew he should have been pleased that she was moving on but he wasn't. He felt this funny feeling in the pit of his stomach, she loved Jane. No matter how cute or nice this guy was her heart didn't want him. It wanted Jane. And he wanted her. _

_No._

_No. He wouldn't let himself feel like this. She obviously didn't want Jane if she was going on a date with another guy. This was good it meant he was no longer in danger of hurting her because she had found another relationship. But if this was so good for him then why did he feel so sick at the thought of her seeing someone?_

_The kettle whistled, interrupting his musings. He quickly poured the boiling water over the teabag, dipping it up and down in the cup twice before removing it. He drank deeply, not caring about the way the hot liquid burned his tongue, but it didn't have the desired effect, his stomach still felt queasy. He settled down on his couch preparing himself for what was, undoubtedly, going to be a long night._

_Thoughts of Teresa Lisbon danced around his dreams for hours until he was awakened by the sound of the elevator and someone walking into the bullpen wearing, judging by the sound, high heels. Curiosity hazed his previous thoughts and he dragged his head up from the comforting brown leather cushion to find out who was here so late._

_His breath hitched as he saw her. Lisbon, only she wasn't the Lisbon he knew, she looked, if possible, even more beautiful. She was wearing the most perfect little black dress he had ever seen, it clung to her small frame in all the right places and her hair was curled in beautiful raven ringlets that were tickling the tops of her shoulders. But none of these things took his breath as much as those shoes. Bright red, stilettos. He had never seen her wear anything like them and they were perfect. They made her look amazing and just completed the aura of sexiness that was dripping from her. She walked in them with confidence and she had a contented little smile on her face. That was until she saw (or rather felt) his eyes on her, greedily taking in every part of her. He knew he shouldn't have looked at her like that. But how could he not when she looked so… amazing._

_Besides looking never hurt anyone, just as long as he didn't act on his feelings. Which were fighting very hard against the barriers that he put up to disguise them. The very barriers that Teresa Lisbon was slowly fighting her way through. _

'_Hey.' He said sitting up on his couch._

'_Oh, hey,'she replied clearly taken aback a little by his presence. 'What are you doing here?'_

'_Meh, I stay here all the time. Shouldn't I be the one asking you why you're here so late and looking…well…different.' the words on how to describe her appearance completely failed him._

_She smiled a little. 'Urmm…well I'm going out on date and I… um…I left my phone here so…' She sounded a little flustered, and a blush was beginning to appear on her cheeks, it only served to heighten her beauty._

'_Date?' Jane repeated as if it were an alien concept. In truth as soon as the word came out of Lisbon's mouth he felt like someone had dropped a lead weight into his stomach._

_So she was going on a date and, not only that, she obviously wanted to impress this guy. Why else would she have put so much effort into her outfit? That must mean she really liked said guy._

'_Yes Jane, a date.' She answered bemused by the way he was acting._

'_Who with?' he enquired, trying to sound casual but really wanting to find out everything he could about the guy Lisbon was about to meet._

'_Oh, just some guy who works in forensics, James his name is.' She answered trying to sound equally as casual, heading into her office as she did so._

_He couldn't ignore the feelings any longer and he didn't have the strength to put up new barriers when Lisbon seemed hell bent on destroying them. It was one night that's all. It wasn't as if he was going to make any promises to her. _

_Jane followed her and at the sound of the door shutting she immediately looked up from the draw she was retrieving her phone from. The look that filled her jade green eyes was a mixture of puzzlement at why Jane was acting like this, and apologetic as if she already knew the answer to her question._

'_Jane look…' she began, but he silenced her by striding forwards and pressing his lips to hers. He thought she would pull away but she didn't, she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer to her. His hands were tangling themselves in her brown ringlets as hers were exploring his blond curls. He pulled away from her and she seemed disappointed._

'_What about James?' he asked smiling at her._

'_Screw James,' she replied pushing her lips to his and kissing him passionately._

_All the way to Lisbon's apartment he knew he shouldn't be doing this but he didn't want to disappoint her, she kept flashing him looks of lust as she was driving and he just couldn't bring himself to say no…_

And that's how he ended up here in Lisbon's bed watching her sleep. Whilst he was kissing her he had convinced himself that he was to doing this for her, that she wouldn't mind him leaving in the morning because he had kissed her and made love to her at night. But in the harsh moonlight of reality he knew that he had done it for selfish reasons: he wanted her so that no-one else could have her. He had let jealousy control him. She could have been perfectly happy this morning waking up to _James _laid next to her. Instead she would wake up to a perfectly despondent, empty bed.

Because that's what he had to do. He had to leave her. That was his choice, either he hurt he now or left it until later when the hurt would be amplified. He had promised her that he would always save her, he had already broken that promise by sleeping with her and he wasn't about to brake it into smaller pieces. Of course he knew that if he left her he would be putting an end to any kind of friendship they once had. He knew it would kill him to see her everyday and not be able to tease her and make her smile but he had to sacrifice his feelings for hers.

He pulled back the covers, trying to ignore the sleeping figure next to him, and gathered his clothes from the floor where they had been scattered in passion earlier. As he did so he saw, in the corner of the room, the shoes. She _had_ to wear those shoes, they had completely bewitched him, taken away every ounce of willpower he possessed.

When he was dressed he found some paper and a pen and left her a note with two simple words: _I'm sorry._ Then he left, without so much as a glance in her direction. He refused to look because he knew if his eyes caught her beauty he would never be able to look away. He wanted so badly just to remove his clothes again a curl himself around her sleeping frame but he knew that was impossible. He had to leave.

Teresa Lisbon awoke smiling at the memories of the previous night she turned expecting to feel the comforting warmth of his body next to her, instead all she felt were cold, unfeeling sheets. She opened her eyes and saw a note left on the pillow, it had two words scrawled on it in familiar handwriting: _I'm sorry._ She supposed that she should have expected him to leave but that didn't soothe how hurt she was feeling.

He had kissed her. He had wanted this and yet he'd left her alone in her bed. And all he could say was 'I'm sorry'? No explanation, nothing just _I'm sorry._ Like those two words could make everything alright, well they didn't in fact they almost made things worse. How could he do this? Did he not have any self control? Did she not have any self control? They were both as bad as each other, both trying to hide feelings that they had developed for each other and both failing miserably at it. Because they knew, both of them knew that if they ever developed a relationship it would always, at some point down the line, end up in tatters, marred by the signature red smiley face of Red John.

Tears welled up in her eyes but she refused to let them fall down her cheeks, she was not going to cry over Patrick Jane. Of course she knew why he had left her, he was broken and thought that he would hurt her. Well he was right; he was hurting her, she had an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach as if he had left a void.

She knew she had to try and carry on as normal to distract herself, so she got up had a shower, put on some clean clothes and headed out for work, dreading seeing Jane. Monotonously following her usual routine and refusing to let the tears, that were threateningly clouding her eyes, fall. She knew this would be the outcome of their liaison, so why did it upset her so much? The only part of her normal routine she skipped was breakfast; she really wasn't in the mood to eat, she had other matters to occupy her mind.

In the car she turned the radio on, something she wouldn't normally do, to try and distract herself from her impending meeting with Jane.

It didn't help.

On every station she tried some stupid love song was playing. She swore to herself as she turned it off, was it let's try and make Lisbon as depressed as possible day? She passed the rest of the journey in silence. All she could think about was Jane and how much she…she loved him. Yes because she did, she loved him. She didn't care if he was going to hurt her and she didn't care that the end of their relationship would be a messy one, she just wanted to be with him, and she was going to tell him.

Before she exited the elevator and went into the bullpen Lisbon took a deep breath to calm herself. This was it; she was going to confront Jane. She marched decidedly into the bullpen set on confronting him. When she saw him laid peacefully the anger she had built up in the car seemed to double, willing her to let it out.

She reached the side of his couch and bent down beside his head.

'Jane we need to talk.' She said, trying, and failing to sound stern. She stood up and marched into her office before he had time to open his eyes. He stood up obediently and followed her, closing the door behind him.

'Teresa…'he began.

'Jane don't apologise I don't want a stupid apology. You did that once, remember?' She interrupted ignoring the use of her first name and deliberately using his surname 'I just… I want to know why?' She tried to keep her voice calm but Jane could hear that it was on the verge of breaking.

'I…I was jealous.' he answered quietly.

'Jealous?' she replied her voice getting louder 'So you slept with me because you were jealous?'

'No, not just because I was jealous. It was those shoes they made you look so…amazing.'

'Oh right, I see, my shoes right, so it's entirely my fault yeah?' she said her voice laced with sarcasm

'No! I knew you didn't really want to be with that guy and you looked so beautiful, I couldn't bear the thought of you with anyone else.' He looked down as if he was ashamed and she could see he was on the verge of tears but still she carried on.

'So it's alright for you to break my heart as long as no-one else does?' She was shouting now, she didn't know where all this anger came from but the words were just flowing from her tongue.

'No…that's not what I meant. I only left you because if I'd have stayed and let you love me I'd only hurt you later, I couldn't bear to see you hurt.'

'Oh, but your ok with seeing me hurt now?' She countered, anger burning in her voice.

'No… Lisbon, I think you should calm down or the whole teams going to hear.' He said and she knew he was trying to stop the tirade of anger that was assaulting him from all angles but she wasn't about to let him tell her what to do.

'I don't care!' she was practically screaming now. 'I LOVE YOU JANE!' The tears that she'd refused to let fall earlier came pouring from her eyes thick and fast and she turned away from him, she wasn't embarrassed about what she'd said, after all it was true. No, what she was embarrassed about was how emotional she had gotten because Teresa Lisbon never shows her feelings.

Outside in the bullpen everyone had heard Lisbon's shock confession. The team exchanged looks, Van-Pelt looked worried, Rigsby was in complete and utter shock and Cho was a mixture of the two and showing more emotion that anyone had seen from him in a long time. None of them had ever heard Lisbon like that, not even Cho and he had worked with her for years, she sounded like she was about to have a break down. The only time he had ever heard her like that was she when she had been faking for Jane. Cho made a mental note that if Jane didn't sort this out he was going to punch him for hurting his boss, he had a suspicion that Rigsby would be more than willing to lend a hand. After all they were very protective of their boss, even if they didn't let her see it. The way Lisbon sounded scared them all, she was usually the calm and un-emotional boss but Jane had changed her into someone that they had never met and that scared them.

Hightower had also heard Lisbon's outburst and had stormed out of her office to see the team looking scared. She was dead set on going into Lisbon's office and asking her what the hell was going on, but then her brain registered what Lisbon had just said: she was in love with Jane. That could not be good. That was why she let him get away with his schemes to foil murderers. She knew they were close, that's why she threatened Lisbon's job, but she didn't know they were _that_ close. She needed to do something. But she couldn't. It wasn't against the rules; Jane was a civilian and perfectly allowed to woo a senior agent. Although...Lisbon didn't seem too happy with Jane at the moment, maybe she wouldn't have to worry about them having a relationship. With that thought she turned on her heel and went back into her office smiling to herself a little.

Jane walked forward and put his hand on Lisbon's shoulder to try and comfort her. She pulled away as if his hand had burned her.

'Teresa, I'm sorry, but I can't give up Red John anytime in the foreseeable future and if by some miracle I find him and…' the word stuck in his throat 'and kill him I know how much it'll hurt you. I promised that I'll always save you.'

'Patrick I don't care about the foreseeable future, I care about now.' She said turning to him she was talking almost in a whisper now and he noted the way that she used his first name sincerely. 'Can't we just take each day as it comes? I understand that you won't give Red John up but I don't want to give you up. I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt me the way you are with him, but I promise I will never blame you.'

'I don't know if…'his words trailed off as he looked deep into her eyes. They were shining like emeralds brimming with emotion that he was struggling to read.

'Jane,' he noticed the way she used his surname to try and mask her uncertainty, 'Do you love me?'

'Well…I…' she had rendered him speechless, the great talker and explainer and she had silenced him.

'Yes or no. Do you love me?' she said sternly.

'Yes.' He breathed 'I love you.'

'Well then.' she said taking his hand gently in hers. 'Nothing else matters as long as you love me and I love you.'

He was running out of excuses.

'I can't give him up.' He told her.

'I don't want you to.'

'When the time comes I will go after him.'

'I'd expect nothing less.'

'I'm going to hurt you. I don't want to but I know it's going to happen.'

'I know and I don't care.'

She stopped his excuse listing by pressing her forehead against his and he could feel the excuse that he was about to give freeze on his tongue.

'I love you Patrick' she whispered she was close he could feel her breath dance across his face.

'I love you too Teresa.' He pressed his lips to hers the kiss was much gentler than the last one but it said so much more, both of them tried to pour all of their unsaid emotions into that kiss. It felt like the entire world had disappeared and nothing else mattered but this moment, this kiss. Lisbon pulled away and wiped the tears from his face with her thumb smiling at him, the look in her eyes spoke volumes to knew then that he wasn't at the crossroads yet and it would be a while until he had to choose which path to take. Right now he was just going to enjoy the journey.

**Reviews are good. ****They make my day just that little bit brighter.**

**Also, I want to know if I wrote the characters right because I wasn't sure if they're a bit off.**


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